grace & 39th

Parenthood tv show vs. real Parenthood

2012-02-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

Nothing gets a tear out of me quicker than Parenthood. I have fallen in love with these characters--Zeek and Camille, Sarah, Crosby, Adam, Christina, Amber...their complexities, their authenticity. Parenthood inspires me, makes me want to have four children and grow old with them in the same town and have outdoor dinners with twinkly lights.

But this show is tricky. With its authentic story lines, real life conundrums, parent-child pain so expertly delineated, we just might think that it's Real. [Or this post is really just for me: I just might think that it's real.] Their real human chaos--the artful overlapping dialogue, the gently messy kitchens, the raw, but staged human emotion--is still Hollywood-sanitized.

The chaos is beautifully contained. We get just enough chaos to be convinced that this is real life, but just enough containment to keep us idealized with their designer homes and even quaint lower-income apartments.

Christina decides to go back to work with after how many years? leaving her 3-month-old baby, autistic pre-adolescent son, and angsty-high school senior daughter. There's just enough chaos to demonstrate that it's hard and complex for her to return to work. But, any home with two-working parents knows that this kind of radical, earth-shaking, monstrously difficult task as managing a home with a newborn, an austic son, and college-prep daughter would bring any solid, mature marriage to its knees. Perhaps in further episodes we will get more of than a taste of it, but for the most part it gives us just enough to be believable, but not enough to be real.

Parenthood is a little dangerous for us. Despite its real life scenarios and relationships, it keeps us in Hollywood land. For me, who struggles with idealism vs. reality, this makes me love it and hate it. I would much rather live in the house that only gets somewhat messy and the newborn who seems to only change a mother's life by the sight of the infant basket in the master bedroom. Real life is much, much more difficult. Parenthood is fun only when we keep in mind that it's not real. For the moms (and dads) out there, who find solace and comfort in Parenthood, may we keep remembering that the Real is much harder then any show idealizes. Parenthood is trying to compare to us and the incredibly courageous lives we lead, rather than being an act for us to follow.

Valentines on the horizon

2012-02-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

It's February! And there is sunshine streaming in my window in Oregon! A good sign for this usually dark month of rain and drear.

It's the month of love~ I love making 3-D valentine cards and here's a little Inspire for me on my blog. I haven't done it in years...but an afternoon of cardmaking sounds like it just be a turnaround plan for a dull month of rain.

Happy February! Love all your valentines of all ages.

Falling Upwards

2012-01-30T09:10:00.000-08:00

Richard Rohr's Falling Upwards has caught my attention. Rohr describes the first half of life as the season in which you are creating the container of your life. You concentrate on the shape and appearance of the container--its image, and functionality. What are the external motivations in life that you are responding to, what are the things you put into place to create the life that you think that you want, how will others know you and perceive you externally?

In the second half of life, you turn your attention to what the container of your life is holding. At that process is disorienting and redefining. It often involves turns the container over and shaking all of the contents on the table and sorting them for what you really want in the container and what you don't.

This process is happening in my life. I describe it this way. For a long time in life, I was very motivated by external gold stars. I knew deeply at my core what those stars were that I wanted and they were also important to me as a person and to my unfolding sense of spiritual call. I wasn't just externally motivated, but certainly there were certain people and things that I wanted to accomplish as goals that I set for myself (many of these goals I might not even have articulated they were so much a part of the fabric of myself).

But now, I find that there are few gold stars that I am that interested in finding or earning. I suppose for some of you, I am very late to the table on this. You left behind external motivations when you were 25. But all I have is my own story, so here it is. Over the last few years, increasingly what matters most to me is my own internalized passions. Many of the externals and internals are integrated, but some are not.

It is a different think to look ahead at the second half of life and realize that there are no stars to collect or work for unless they are in my heart. As a goal oriented person, this is a little shattering.

It means that my Pleaser and Performer are slowly leaving me...and that is what I have worked for...but now that they are departing, I wonder what will be my motivations? What will be the fuel that moves me forward or deeper?

Now, don't get all know-it-all on me and say something easy and simple like: "God will provide." I know that God is up to something. But I am so much more about the process than the destination. So let me have my process and my journey and my angst.

It's the labor pains of the Self continuing to be born in me and God's image continuing to be developed and grown.

Pour me up some Downton Abbey

2012-01-29T18:00:00.000-08:00

Oh, like the rest of America (okay, a certain swath of the rest of America), I am completely delighted with Downton Abbey. I am enthralled by the Earl of Grantham's gentleness and bravo, Cora's gullibility--and yet odd strength--the Dowager Countess' unabashed self-promotion, Sybil's feminism. Like you I have cheered on Anna and Mr. Bates, completely been taken by Mr. Carson, and love to hate O'Brien and Thomas. The love triangles, the tea, the driving-lessons, the secret kisses, the valiant and not-so valiant hearts--it's all like Earl Gray tea for the soul: comforting, strong, sometimes bitter and with a zing of something we can't quite name. I like mine with double cream.

When the opening music fills our living room, my husband and I both sigh with happiness. Pour me up some Downton Abbey.

However, I think that the injustice of the downstairs-upstairs effect is somewhat lost on me. I want to roar out in the ridiculousness of the aristocracy, but when the last episode I watched closed, all I wanted was someone to lay out my dress in the morning and ring a bell for dinner at eight. All of my heartfelt belief about justice and humanity wiped out by a television show when I want someone to braid my hair and prepare a soft-boiled egg and please use that darling china with the red village images.

Okay, well that is an overstatement. I haven't lost sight of all of my principles.

But, I have to confess, the aristocracy is quite appealing for someone who is constantly managing the clutter, dishes, more then fulltime work, and trying to determine a wardrobe that doesn't look completely "over" in the late nineties.

Well, all I need is a Mrs. Hughes--just one Mrs. Hughes--to rule over my housekeeping and dressing with all of her no-nonsense yet maternal ways.
Mrs. Hughes, if you are out there, I can't pay you much (or at all), but I might be able to squeeze you into our guest bedroom. I can even make it look like the one you have at Downton Abbey. Let me know if you are interested.

On the landing of leadership

2012-01-28T08:47:00.000-08:00

I am perpetually on the look out for wise women and wise men. They come at all ages--some younger then me by far and others at this same stage of life that I find myself. But at this point of life, what is priceless is that person who is further down the road than me in both spiritual maturity, leadership and chronology.

This last week I was able to share coffee with Lisa Espinelli Chinn (Intervarsity VP ) who is a sixty-something woman, spiritual leader, ministry leader, mother of 3 and mentor to many. My words tumbled out of me--at this point in life I have been feeling a bit stuck. I look behind me and a lot of ground has been covered. My energies are shifting, my passion feels stretched thin, and I am becoming increasingly protective of my time and heart. When I look ahead, the future seems blurry and dense.

I listed through what is on my plate, what I am tired of, my impending fortieth birthday, what's seems complicated. Ten years ago my life seemed so much clearer and defined. I assumed that clarity would continue and now it seems formless and dim.

Lisa said to me: "You aren't stuck, you are at a landing." She went on to say that I have climbed a lot of steps and now I am at a landing. There are two or more staircases at this point, and all have other landings. The landing is space to contemplate, to rest, to regroup. Life is full of landings. And as you get older, there are more landings, not less. At some point, I will choose a staircase to climb, but at this point, it's wait and rest on the landing.

I know I'll be processing a lot about this landing that I am on and about what the new stairs there are to climb. I usually think in terms of hiking a mountain, instead of climbing stairs. But whether it's a staircase or an overlook point on the mountain pathway, it's time to delight in the pause and not fear it.

It is interesting how life's blueprint becomes at times less clear then it was before.
As you hit life or work milestones do you find more clarity or more ambiguity?

Bible Scholar

2012-01-07T10:29:00.000-08:00

Madi pages through Deuteronomy looking for a passage discussed in her Bible class.
"hmmm...I guess they don't have that story about Moses in this Bible."

Advent Worship Readings

2011-12-07T13:15:00.001-08:00

This morning in our campus worship, we lit advent candles to remember the women of Christmas. In case you want to do the same at a worship gathering, here is the text:

The first candle is for Ruth and for Belonging.

Ruth is a poor, widowed foreigher who becomes the wife of a respected man from Bethelehem and a great-grandmother of King David, and is part of the lineage of Jesus. Ruth testifies to the inclusion of Gentiles as God's full plan of redemption. Ruth represents BELONGING. For any of us who have been unsure if we belong in the family of God, Ruth demonstrates God's welcome into the covenant community of Christ.

We light the second candle for Mary and for Belief. At great risk to her family, her reputation and her upcoming marriage, a young Jewish girl dares to believe an angel sent by God that she will bear the Son of God. When Mary meets Elizabeth, Elizabeth proclaims over her: Belssed is she who believed that there woudl be a fullmentment of what was spoken to her by the Lord." Mary represents BELIEF. For those of us who dare to be courageous, believe the impossible and obey, Mary is our example.

The third candle is lit for Elizabeth and for JOY. Elizabeth is called a righteous and blameless woman, yet she lives with great grief that she has not been able to have a child. In this time and as a Jewish women, Elizabeth's greatest desire would be to bear a son and connect her husband, Zechariah, and herself to Jewish ancestry. When God gives Elizabeth the son she has longed for, Elizabeth is full of joy and praised God for her own child. When Elizabeth encounters Mary, Luke says taht she is filled with the Holy Spirit and exclaims her joy with a loud cry. Elizbeth's candle is the candle of JOY. For any of us who have sought to live holy lives, but have also been faced with long roads of grief, Elizabeth's JOY is an encouragement to us.

The fourth candle is for Anna and for HOPE. Anna, an elderly widow, stays in the temple worshipping, praying, fasting and waiting on God. When Anna meets the baby Jesus, Anna beings to praise God and to proclaim the good news of the child to all who were looking for the redemption of Jerusalem. Anna waits on God and never gives up. She is an example of a life lived in HOPE. For any of us who are waiting on God for many years, Anna is a sign of HOPE for us.

The final candle is for Jesus Christ representing Jesus as The Light of the World. Jesus said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life." For any of us who want to belong, who believe with abandon, who experience joy in the face of grief, and who hope beyond hope: Jesus is the Light of Our Lives.

morning prayer

2011-10-31T09:56:00.000-07:00

In the beginning, O God,

your Spirit swept over the chaotic deep like a wild wind

and creation was born.

In the turbulence of my own life

and the unsettled waters of the world today

let there be new birthings of your Spirit.

In the current of my own heart

and the upheavals of the world today

let there be new birthings of your mighty Spirit.

--from Celtic Benedictions, ed. J.P. Newell

Not an imitator

2011-10-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

I just refound this piece of love and friendship in one of my notebooks. This notebook my dear Asbury Seminary friends gave me when I left that place 7 years ago....

These words encourage me a lot today. Words are my love language. Words are my anchor and imagination.

My friends wrote to me:

Not an imitator
but an
imaginator.

R-E-A-L
one who lives
Freedom
such that others
Become Free,

See Light
And
Desire to Dance.

A
Woman
Practicing
the new chivalry of Encouragement
opening kingdom doors
turning up the temperature of
Love
Always hosting a party
through the simple act of
Being you!

love,
Us.

I still celebrate these friendships that gave me so much love and care and imagination for who I am and what I am becoming. What a beautiful season of life to be loved so extravangantly!

when preaching

2011-10-18T22:29:00.000-07:00

When preaching

words pounding like blood through veins
message: conceived, alive, with pulse
one, two, three--go!

Begin. Smile. Breathe.

be confident, they can smell fear.

words coming forth, dancing together
weaving in and out and around.

Holy Spirit, Speak.

catching breath, where am i going?
i know this, it's inside of me.
i lose sight of it for a moment,
it takes on its own life,
moves its own direction.

catch an eye. one is sleeping, another is with me.
faces respond, some cloud over, some stare, some nod.

i see the end of the way.
my voice raises...steady, steady, slower.

the message is born.
listen for the first gasp of new life

Holy Spirit, Speak.

i step away
pretend to pray
skin crawling with vulnerability.

Holy Spirit, Speak

to me,
please.

2011-10-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

Forty Gifts

My husband, Clint, turns 40 tomorrow. I am thinking about the gifts that he has given me over the years. Here are 40 of the gifts that Clint has given me:

1. a love for Thomas Merton
2. an appreciation for a medium rare steak
3. to take note of the constellations in the sky
4. cello music, a delight in
5. an interest in World Cup soccer
6. action film enjoyment--although he may now rue this a bit, but it's his fault
7. the BBC...really anything BBC, but particularly Masterpiece Theaters and other dramas
8. Over the Rhine, Natalie Merchant, 10,000 Maniacs, 77s, U2--really, any kind of music I know is through Clint
9. a love of world travel, and a willingness to go without having everything "figured out" ahead of time
10. walking in the rain
11. black and white movies, especially Casablanca
12. the song "When a man loves a woman"
13. used book store browsing
14. coffee. Clint introduced me to coffee and is responsible for cultivating my taste for good coffee.
15. Abbey of Gethsemane fudge
16. Word Made Flesh experience--I was introduced via Clint's friendship, and it has become a life passion
17. going to seminary together (this changed our lives, doing this together)
18. theological conversation--being my "orthodoxy" and "heresy" checkpoint
19. being my biggest fan, day after day
20. believing that I am capable of doing anything that I set my heart too (although I still don't think that's technically true :) , but if Clint believes it...)
21. co-parenting, all the way, all the time.
22. turning down a dream job and moving across the country for MY job, without any hope of a job for himself. That's a big one.
23. introductions to SO many people...Clint is ALWAYS introducing me to people
24. a willingness to strike up friendship with strangers
25. Fantasia. I would never have watched this.
26. The Dark is Rising series and The White Mountains trilogy
27. Ferdinand the Bull, a children's story--and the meaning behind it.
28. Mary Oliver. Yes, Clint introduced me to Mary. Gave me her first book.
29. Feminist theology. Clint's a better feminist then me. And he keeps pushing me to embrace...
30. Pacifism. For real. I am on the journey of pacifism. And Clint is my sherpa in this.
31. Documentaries...any documentary that I watch is through Clint, generally.
32. Learning about genocide and other atrocities. Clint, again.
33. Being willing to go into the pit of hell so that my heart will be broken. Clint is the leader.
34. attention to budget and financial matters. yuck.
35. Tougher skin. How to withstand criticism and hold my ground.
36. Life is Beautiful, one of my all time favorite films.
37. Subtitles. I wouldn't watch anything with a subtitle without knowing Clint.
38. Portland. He's the city sherpa, introduces me to all the cool places
39. a love for art and pottery
40. my daughter, Madi. The delight of my life!

Clint, you have given me way more than 40 gifts. Thank you for your steadfast love and for being the Connector of my life...to people, ideas, theology, dreams, visions, beauty...I am a richer person because of you. And deeper.

Happy birthday!
love, me

The Messenger by Mary Oliver

2011-09-25T08:16:00.000-07:00

from The Messenger by Mary Oliver

My work is loving the world...

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect?
Let me keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,

which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished.

Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,

which is gratitude,

to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,

a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,

telling them over and over, how it is
that we live forever.

What it means to pastor

2011-09-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

mother with child by elena kokin

To pastor in the words of Paul:

But we were gentle among you, like a nurse tenderly caring for her own children. So deeply do we care for you that we are determined to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you have become dear to us.
1Thess. 1:7-8

A key verse on what it means to pastor:
like a nurse
tenderly
as caring for her own children
deeply caring
sharing ourselves
sharing the gospel
loving your people

Trust the path.

2011-08-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I introduced the labyrinth to a group. Only one had experience with a labyrinth before. We sat on the warm stone in the early morning, at the center of the labyrinth, talking about the practice of walking and praying--the kinetic spirituality of integrating movement and prayer. Labyrinths are meaningful to me because almost without fail, when I walk one, I leave centered, more clear, heart open to God in a way that I was not when I entered. It is sacred movement for me.

As I explained a way to walk a labyrinth, one woman asked a series of questions "Where does it begin?", "What if I can't figure out what to do?", "How will I know when it is done?". I responded, "You can trust the path. You don't have to figure it out. The path will take you to the center, then, retrace your steps, the path will take you back out. You can't get lost and you don't have to worry about the path. Trust the path to take you into the heart of God."

Awhile later, I walked the path as well, listening to the screeching voices inside of me begin to relent a bit. Listening for that shift when my internal voices eventually part, making way for the Spirit to speak. It doesn't always happen fully. But it almost always happens a bit.

This day as I walked, the Holy Spirit spoke to me in my own words, "Trust the path."

All summer I have been doing what I do really well: Analyzing. Discerning, oh, I mean WORRYING. Dwelling. Wondering. Questioning. Some of it is good. I do contemplate life. Am I living congruently? Am I living out of my shadow or in the Light? What are the questions that go unheard during the busy year that need attending to? But there is also the ongoing nagging and stressing and anxiety and over-thinking, and tossing and turning that happens as well. Too often my contemplating is simply dressed-up worrying.

Is my daughter going to the "right" school for her?

How busy is the upcoming year going to be?

How do I want to spend the next decade of my life? (for real, this has been my overall question of the summer)

Who are the people that make up my inner circle? How can I be more intentional?

What is the state of our marriage? What needs attending to?

How can I beat the constant "edge of chaos"living that pulls at my life?

Is there a way to complete my dissertation and be the pastor/mother/wife/friend/you-name-it I want to be?

Can I be content with one child?

Ok, see what I mean. Some discerning, A LOT of worrying.

And that day and this year, the word the Spirit has for me is "Trust the path. You can trust the path you are on, Sarah. I will use it to bring all that you need to grow to maturity. I will use everything, every relationship, and every experience to make you become who you are created to be. Focus attention on the path. Love the people that cross your path. Respond to the opportunities that come into your path. Follow through on the commitments that We have made together on this path. We have chosen this path together, you and Me. This is Our path, not just yours. Trust Me that the path will bring into your life all you need for abundant life and ministry."

I felt a sense of relief. The Holy Spirit is my life's guide, not me. Generously and with love, the Holy Spirit gives the life given over to the Spirit back to me, to share together in ministry. The Holy Spirit is my Guide, Leader, and Wisdom, yet, amazingly, trusts me enough to walk with me, beside me, partnering in my life.

Will I trust the path that God and I are on together? This path will for surely take me into the heart of God. My life belongs to God, and God will not squander me or this path.

Trust the path is lingering with me as I move into this academic year.

There are still decisions to be made, discerning to happen, yet, my life is Sacred. It belongs to God. God and I share this journey. We are in this together. I will trust the path to take me to the center of God's heart and there is no turn in the path that will be squandered.

Harry Potter & Eschatology

2011-07-17T00:18:00.000-07:00

This is a Harry Potter summer. Madi--age 11--has read all of the Potter books this summer and we are working our way through the Potter movies. #5 tonight...the big plan is to watch #8 in the theater next week while we are on vacation. All great fun.

Last night we watched #4--the story of the Tri-wizard competition. At the end of the film Harry is battling Voldemort and Cedric (a classmate and Tri-wizard competitor) is killed by Voldemort. It's a terrible scene, Cedric's death at the hands of this very evil, demonic creature and then the whole school grieving the death of the student.

However, for me this struck my heart. Earlier this summer one of my daughter's school classmates was killed in a horrific tragedy--a tragedy that is reflective of the power of evil and brokenness in the world. Not that a person was evil in this situation--but that in the broken places in our world, evil creeps in and uses what it can to destroy us. And in this case, destroyed a beautiful girl.

Tears filled my eyes as I watched the "pretend" death of Cedric because of the reality of the death of this child. I have been reading a lot lately about the "inaugurated eschatology" of Christ. Or more simply, that when Jesus rose from the dead, God began the process of setting all things right. The resurrection is the anticipation of the world redeemed and restored. My heart aches for this to come about. For all of the children in the world today who fear for their lives and safety and who live today in pain and exploitation. Longing for a planet in which children were not destroyed and where Love won.

There is a real Voldemort, unfortunately. Whether you believe in the personification of Evil as in Satan, or an evil force in the world, or simply evil as a result of the brokenness of humanity, when we look at the world we are aware that we do face a foe.

I know the end of the Potter chronicles. Love wins, Voldemort is conquered.
I know the end of The Story of God. Love wins, Evil is conquered. The world is set right.
I am anticipating this today: the End Has Begun.

Tonight I watched #5 about Dumbledore's Army. It makes me want to be in training to be ready for what comes my way.
I think I will look for a Room of Requirement. My sense is, I will find it.

A Commonplace book

2011-06-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

commonplace book from the mid-1700s

A commonplace book: a collection of ideas & thoughts used in years past. I have kept a journal since I was 13 years old. Now I journal on my blogs, my computer journal, my facebook, my pinterest, my twitter...all these technological ways to express my thoughts, ideas, and random insights. But despite all the technology, I keep what I know now is called a "commonplace" book with me at all times.

It is usually a simple spiral notebook. My commonplace book is my collection of to-do lists, sermon inspirations, recipes, directions, how-to's, phone numbers, addresses, quotes, and thoughts that I am working out. I go through a commonplace book about once every three months. I keep them for a while--ok, for a long while. They are the roadmap of my daily life. They are messy, beautiful, brilliant, unreadable, pithy, unorganized, random, detailed, list-mania, and authentic.
My commonplace book is my life in details.

Do you keep a commonplace book of some sort?

Being Real, from the Velveteen Rabbit

2011-06-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

to become Real

A fb friend posted this today, and it reminds me about the power of being Real, Vulnerable, Loved.
And that sometimes it hurts. But it always brings beauty.

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long,

long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby.

But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't

understand."

Velveteen Rabbit, by William Nicholson

Clint-fuscious says #1

2011-05-08T21:41:00.000-07:00

I am starting a new blog-feature today that has been long in coming.
Clint has much wisdom he likes to tell the world on a regular basis. I think I'll share a few with you in an ongoing manner. I think I'll call it:

Clint-fuscious says:

He who jogs by highway sucks in exhaust which does more damage than exercise helps.

She who puts away things in less than perfect space is not one who put things away.

She who microwaves food in plastic containers contributes to general loss of brain cells of family members.

One must not ever throw away coffee. No matter how old it is, the coffee must be kept, despite even the oily residue that settles on the top. Coffee must be conserved.

He who finds something useful along side of the road, but does not stop and pick it up, does not practice frugality.

mother's day capers

2011-05-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

Madi & Clint took me to one of my fav restaurants La Provence--
brunch started out with chocolate croissants...which really I could live on, and it would have been the perfect meal in and of itself....

but wait, this was my Mother's Day piece de resistance...
Tri-mushroom herb medley with blue cheese, over-easy eggs and yukon gold potatoes.
This was food bliss.

Here we are: the three of us. Little family, big love. So grateful to share life with these two beautiful human beings.

& the reason I get to celebrate being a mother in the biological sense-- What keeps me more grounded, humble, and connected to the Divine than to be part of creating a life? I am grateful every day to be a mother. We all can be creators and shapers of life in spiritual and biological ways if we embrace our call to parent the next generation. I am in awe of this life-delight.

But one more thing...

my day would have not been the same without the Madi-Spa-Treatment of the Banana Mash Facial. Hmm...couldn't resist sharing this picture--

Curses, you American Girl "Mom & Me" Spa Day Book of Ideas, generated for the under 12 crowd

2011-05-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

a piano from goodwill, painted yellow! love it! totally inspiring me to paint my piano--maybe red or blue...

grace today 5.4.11

2011-05-04T23:03:00.000-07:00

slow mornings
spontaneous celebratory dinner--I had this incredible trout and an onion tart that redefined onions
receiving words of significance--words are my love language for surely.
knowing that kids still play dodge ball at church on a wednesday evening with ice cream sandwiches
talking with a mentor about what it means for her to be a pastor
tomato basil soup
iced mocha, sugarfree, nonfat from Coffee Cottage. love this on a warm day or really any day
Pinterest :) that makes me happy

grateful 5.3.11

2011-05-03T23:52:00.000-07:00

my women's group--talking late into the night about all the good and the terrible.
international friendship
three kids on a trampoline and a crazy dog beneath
sunshine (i live in the northwest, i am hyper grateful for sunshine)
being trusted with someone's traumatic & vulnerable story...and seeing her courage

Framed!

2011-05-03T23:41:00.000-07:00

We celebrated Madi's birthday (very belatedly) with just a few friends from school. We had a mini-photo shoot and the pics turned out beautifully! Great idea with the frame and fun props (thanks to Rachel Morrell).

Food-Swap

2011-05-02T09:51:00.000-07:00

It's May Food Swap Day. Which meant that I went to the store at 9:30 p.m. (yes, that's right) and started cooking at 10:15 p.m.--8 meals, 1 to keep, 7 to swap, for our monthly food-swap. But it's always worth it. It always feels like Christmas. And I really only cook once a month now. For reals.
Today I came home with:
tortilla soup
oven-baked risotto with chicken & spinach
chicken satay
flatlander chili
lasagna
baked rigatoni & crusty bread
spinach quiche

let the feasting begin...

easter egg fortunes

2011-04-23T00:30:00.000-07:00

great idea for easter egg flair from designmom. com
may just have to implement.

my new book sherpa

2011-04-16T06:55:00.000-07:00

Love that Madi is now recommending books to me. Top of her list is this HIVE series from Britain. I am on book one--and loving it--in the 6 book series. She just finished it.

She also got me on the to the Mysterious Benedict Society Series which I loved and highly recommend.

Now, if I could just get her to read Black Beauty.

funny madi sayings

2011-04-10T08:34:00.000-07:00

Madi is just being so hilarious these days--I have to write down some of her sayings:

in the backseat of the car, after finding out something good (can't remember what it was): "Lord, take me now!", with hands thrown up in the air.

to Clint, who played a really good word in scrabble, "you little evil dude."

to me, when she gets into the car: "I am here, your life just got better."

on the way to the bathroom to get dressed: "shake your booty, now...shake it to the right, shake it to the left, shake it, shake your booooooootttttttyyyyyy."

last night after the mr.bruin (male funny "beauty pageant"/talent show)--"now i like to have a little dirt on everyone....it comes in handy."

Glittering Images--the imprisoned true self

2011-03-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

I am re-reading The Glittering Images by Susan Howatch. This piece on the false self/true self won't let me go it is so speaks to the condition of my soul as I recognize more of the false self in me. This work of false/self true self is at the crux of spiritual direction--and is the place I find many conversations around (p.235).

"You're not the villain of this story, Charles," said Darrow [the spiritual director]. "You're the victim. It's the glittering image [false self] who should be locked up in jail."
There was a long silence while I struggled to adjust to this new perspective on my identity, but eventually Darrow added: "I'm beginning to feel very, very sorry for this true self of yours. Terrible things happen to him but no one knows because he's not allowed to talk about them. He's cut off, isolated by that ruthless jailer [the false self]. He only ever escapes when the jailer has had too much to drink and then he's always so aggressive that he seems thoroughly beyond [the boundary line], but no wonder he's so angry! He's been imprisoned on a false charge by a jailer who should himself by behind bars. Tell me, can you really feel no sympathy for him in his predicament?"
...
"Yes, but what would my sympathy do?"

"All the good in the world because if you regard him with sympathy instead of horror then a different image will begin to appear in the mirror. Love and compassion breed understanding and forgiveness, and once a man's understood himself sufficiently to forgive himself for his mistakes, the unfitness is made whole, the unworthiness is redeemed...We want to restore your belief in your own worth so that you can find the courage to set aside the glittering image and triumph over this tyrant who's tormented you for so long."

Ash Wednesday: Frail & Glorious

2011-03-10T09:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was able to make the sign of the cross with ash on a few foreheads and say these words:

“From dust you have come, to dust you will return.

Repent and believe the Good News.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.”

As my fingers made the shape of the cross out of ash, I am reminded of our human condition: frail and glorious [from Macrina Wiederhehr—A Tree Full of Angels].

My human condition: dust…..

I am frail and small. And yet within me is the glorious God who breathes life into me that is eternal.

My life is glorious now as I am living in heaven here on earth. Not because it’s easy or perfect, but because I am in the eternal heart of Christ.

My life is dust, but for Christ.

Frail and glorious.

Small and eternal.

Forgotten and begotten.

Dead and alive.

You can follow my lenten posts at SoulMidwife.

grateful 3.10.11

2011-03-10T09:09:00.001-08:00

the power of the film Born into Brothels--again

waking up to birds

going to bed early

the novel that I am enjoying “Glittering Images”

being able to give the imposition of ashes on a few foreheads yesterday

coffee

my daughter memorizing “Mary’s Song” from Luke.

What keeps me grounded: a little chaos

2011-03-09T07:12:00.000-08:00

There is more chaos then I want there to be in my life this week.
I found myself thinking yesterday how much easier it is to be my "best self" away from home. At home, I am constantly faced with the juggle of my child's homework and irritability, stacks of laundry, a pesky dog, undone dishes. It is easier to be who I want to be when all I have to worry about is myself and my reactions. But at home, when I am so connected to my family and to the very daily, ordinary tasks of shelter, food, clothing, and creating loving, safe space--it seems that to be who I want to be is slightly out of my grasp. Everything is a little less under my control. I think it should be opposite. In my work and ministry--that is where I should experience life as out of control. In my home is where I should have dominion. What crazy words: control and dominion.
Perhaps at home is where my humanity is more clearly in view. Where the illusions of control fade away most quickly. It is the real stuff of life. Not life that fits into boxes on my calendar, or flows through some invisible organizational chart of semi-hierarchy, or relationships that primarily exist at a table at coffee.
Home is the real deal, life not over a cup of coffee, but over the intensity of daily living.

But this chaos is my beautiful life. I find grace here and meaning. My ministry world may seem to be a little more under my grasp because it has boundaries to it. Home keeps me honest and grounded and real.

Stay-at-home dads & holy work

2011-03-03T08:07:00.000-08:00

Ps. 78: 70-21 He chose his servant David, and took him from the sheepfolds; from tending the nursing ewes he brought him to be the shepherd of his people Jacob, of Israel, his inheritance. With upright heart he tended them, and guided them with his skillful hand.

David was a midwife before he was a leader and a king. Some of the most holy preparation for ministry comes from the work of caring for young animals--and, it's not too hard to suggest--in the similar work of caring for small children. David tended and nurtured his flock, and it was with that same heart and hand that the psalmist sings of how David guided the people of Israel.
Some of the best work in preparing for ministry leadership is the days of caring for babies and toddlers--feeding, swaddling, diapering and tending in the earliest morning hours, in the night and all through the day.
Stay-at-home dads and moms walk in path of great leaders as they nurture little ones and do the daily work of tending and caring for their families. Not just because it is holy work in and of itself, but because it is holy preparation for whatever God may bring into their lives as leaders, change-agents and pastors. A season of being a stay-at-home parent or farmer is a high calling for men and for women, and may be the preparation of leadership of a church or perhaps a nation.

Theology of the Land and Being Known

2011-03-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

Toward a Theology of the Land...

Certainly the Hebrew people connected hope and redemption with living in the land. Either they were journeying to a land yet revealed to them (Abram) or enroute to the Promised Land, or trying to find ways to keep their land from the Assyrians--whatever it is, land was significant to them. It identified who they were as a people and where their home was. Jesus redefined the Israelite ideas of land. It's not where you live that defines you, it is how you live. It's not who is in the ancestral line of the twelve tribes, it's who your heart is in line with. Family and place is redefined as belonging to the family of God. A family that is not specific to a physical place or destination.

And yet, our relationship with the land is still significant in other ways. God gave us responsibility over the earth--to care for it and oversee its use. We have failed this in many ways. Many people speak into the Christian community today calling us to take up this God-given responsibility and delight and be earth-keepers. I am inspired by people in my life who are planting gardens, sharing food, getting their hands in the dirt, and restoring in active ways their connection to the land.

Others deep concern is that our land does not belong to us. As white North Americans we have taken it from the First Nations people. How can we ever move fully in the direction of God when this is unreconciled?

We also spiritually come to understand our new places in God as journeying to a new land or place. Henri Nouwn talks deeply of the "new country". You can see one of his reflections here: Soul Midwife: New Country.

But there is also another understanding of place. It's the place of our physical home that intersects with our spiritual home: our community. Nouwen calls community the place where we celebrate and where we seek forgiveness. It's the real flesh and blood place that we work out who we are as a children of God. Without a community of people that knows us over time, no one knows us. And to be known is one of the greatest thing about being human. It's also terrifying and humbling and hard work. Because as soon as we are known, then the mask is off. Our real, authentic soul is revealed with all of its blemishes and cancers. Also, when we are not known, it is easier for people to idolize us and glamorize us. It is easier to be a leader from a distance or to be a "friend" from a far. When things don't get messy because we are at a distance, it is easier to stay in relationship. But it's only pseudo-relationship because we are not known, nor do we really know. I think that our Christian culture is often built on perceptions, but not real knowing.

I have a strong desire to be known in this place. Sometimes it overwhelms me because it is so painful to not be known and to be lonely. Other times I want to shrink back because when someone starts to know me I am not sure if what is revealed is what I want it to be. I am overwhelmed with not being who I want to be. Yet, what choice is there? To walk in the land of the upright and just, I must show up, be present, and be real. That is the only way to be known.

This terrified me 20 years ago, and it still does. But perhaps less, and perhaps differently.

Provers 2: 20 says: Therefore, walk in the way of the good, and keep to the paths of the just. For the upright will abide in the land, and the innocent will remain in it, but the wicked will be cut off from the land, and the treacherous will be rooted out of it.

The path of the good and the just, the path of the innocent is only found by walking alongside in community. No one abides in the land without knowing and being known. It is one of our greatest, most humbling and terrifying ways to abide. That's my take on theology of the land: place, knowingness, community--it at the heart of what it means to live the spiritual life.

Today, I wonder for you and for me--what is the step forward into the Land of the Known? What is the path to walk on is that is the path of the just and the way of the good? How can you know it without knowing? Who knows you? And what do you do with the loneliness that overwhelms you at times?

Learning wisdom from all ages

2011-03-01T08:38:00.000-08:00

Let the wise also hear and gain in learning, and the discerning acquire skill, to understand a proverb and a figure, the words of the wise and their riddles. Prov. 1: 5-6

Learning is not just for the young and the simple (Prov. 1: 4), but for the wise and the discerning. The pursuit of wisdom is a lifelong apprenticeship to a wisdom community. And wisdom is not always straightforward and clear--sometimes it is a riddle of the circuitous path.

Who are you learning from today or in the past? I think that we need teachers who are 20 years younger and 20 years older and everything in between. Actually, our teachers defy age and experience. A child becomes the person of God for us in the intersection of kairos and chronos. An elderly person that we have a moment of connection with become a vessel of God of wisdom in our life.

I am celebrating some of my teachers of life today: Clint, Koby, Anthony, MaryKate, Rusty, Sara, Andrew, Kayin, Andrea, Madi, Allie, Kim, Liz, Phileena, Chris, Steve, Jill, Amy, Doug, Shel, Miss, Krissi...so many more. I am glad to be apprenticed to such a large, diverse, and beautiful wisdom community. Hopefully, I lean toward the side of the wise and not the fool, and I look forward to growing deeper in wisdom as I grow in age chronologically.

2.28.11

2011-02-28T07:34:00.000-08:00

grateful for friendship that moves and changes over 20 years
for how I can see growth in my life, leaving behind old voices and ways of thinking
and for
listening to children during children's worship experience God
morning candlelight
rain
wii Fit

for this verse: Psalms 71: 2: God, be a guest room where I can retreat; you said your door was always open! You're my salvation--my vast; granite fortress.

Listening not talking

2011-02-28T07:31:00.000-08:00

God has no use for the prayers of the people who won't listen to him.
Prov. 28: 9

Prayer is less about talking, and more about listening.
Prayer is looking: what are the signs of God in my life?
Prayer is listening: what does God say to me through others, through my circumstances, through the voice in my heart?
Prayer is wondering and pondering: what is God up to in my life and the life of the world?
Prayer is about letting go: how do I release my grip on my circumstances and find my center in God?

To pastor a King: The King's Speech

2011-02-24T08:12:00.000-08:00

Last night my friend Koby and I went to see The King's Speech and I woke up this morning with it still playing in mind. A friend suggested to me before that this film is an example of what the Church is or could be, and I think that truly it is. And certainly it is how I understand the Church in my own life.
In this historical account, an uneducated speech therapist with unorthodox methods coaches the future (and then current) King of England in the 1930s. The relationship between the future King--the Duke of York, Albert--and his speech therapist is nothing short of magnificent.
Bertie (as the future King is called in the film) at first wants only to fix his stammer--simply change the mechanics of his speech. The therapist--Lionel--insists that to cure Bertie they must do the work behind the stammer--addressing Bertie's fear, anger and the abandonment he experienced as a child. What entails is the real work of a soul in the process of change and fighting it and every step. As friendship emerges between these two men, both of them are transformed. Both find voice that they did not fully have before.
Lionel was essentially Bertie's spiritual director. As a spiritual director, Lionel walked alongside Bertie through darkness and rejection, continuing to open windows of truth and grace in his life. Lionel heard the booming voice of a soul behind Bertie's stammering words and called it out of him.
This is the work of a spiritual director: to call out the hidden self from the deep place in another, to listen to and name the voice deep inside the other that is perhaps only a whisper at the moment.
Lionel gives Bertie the gift of Belovedness.

I have a few people who have done this kind of work in my life. My friend Koby is one of those people. Spiritual friends, spiritual directors, true pastors, and real mentors are precious gifts in life. When you divinely stumble on someone who calls out the Belovedness in you, pushes you to hear the sound of your own voice, and teaches you to express your anger and move through it, you have found a person of God for you.
And amazingly, God works through people who may not even know what it is to be a follower of Christ. And doing the work of calling out Belovedness in another, enables that person to begin to receive it more as well. The work of God begets the work of God. Giving Belovedness away allows you to receive more Belovedness. This is our spiritual work as the Church.

Housekeeping God or the God Who Searches

2011-02-23T07:13:00.000-08:00

In Luke 15, there are three losses.

The Shepherd loses a sheep.

The Woman loses a coin.

The Father loses a son.

The shepherd leaves the 99 sheep behind in the wilderness, and goes out and searches for the lost lamb until it is found. When he finds it, he rejoices with his neighbors.

The woman has 10 precious silver coins. She loses one, and searches the house for it. Finding it after much effort, she calls her neighbors together and says "rejoice with me, for what I have lost, I have found."

The father grieves the loss of one of his two sons. He waits for the return of the younger son and when he catches a glimpse of the boy, he runs to him, throws his arms around him, and begins to celebrate. The son was lost and now is found!

God as a shepherd seeks out the lost sheep.

God as a woman sweeps her house and searches for the lost coin.

God as a father waits for his son, runs to him and throws his arms around him, finds the one who has been lost.

I am not a shepherd or a father, nor have a I lost a sheep or a son. But I certainly am a woman who sweeps her house, looks for lost keys and phone rechargers, and coins deep in the sofa.

And so I get to live into this story almost every day, because almost every day something is lost. This is the parable that I can step inside of and understand in a practical, daily way.

I love this image of God as a housekeeper. I can imagine God with a apron and a broom, putting things into order in my house, just as the Creator puts things into order in my life; sweeping up the mess, finding the lost parts of me, and brewing some coffee to wake up my soul.

I also get to do this work of God as I search out the lost people in the cracks of the world and get to be part of the embrace, the homecoming, and the finding. All of us are looking for Home. God the Holy Housekeeper, the Good Shepherd, the Embracing Father seeks us out and brings us home. It's the work of the Creator God, and it's the work that we too step into. As women and men keeping house and keeping souls.

enough

2011-02-23T06:47:00.000-08:00

Do not wear yourself out to get rich; be wise enough to desist.
Prov. 23: 4

Enough is enough. The "more" virus gets me way too often. Whether it is more stuff, more money, more friendship, more stuff to do, more roles to play, the wisdom of enough is elusive.
Proverbs speaks to that as well--the eye is never satisfied, the stomach is always hungry, the empty womb always wants a child.
The world sings about it: can't get enough satisfaction, can't do enough be enough, or know enough.

Not to desire more than what is: this is the spiritual work of a lifetime.
Whether it is wealth, or jobs or cars or babies or vacations or even the fruit of ministry, enough is enough. Open handed release, surrender and detachment is the language of a soul submitted to the work of the Spirit.

Wise enough to know when to desist.

Crucible of Leadership (i.e. Change)

2011-02-22T06:46:00.000-08:00

reposted from Aug. 1, 2011

“The ability to extract wisdom from experience is a skill honed in the crucible”. (p. 109, Leading for a Lifetime by Bennis).

“Seeking God in the crucible of ministry”. (from the tagline of Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Barton).

This summer the word crucible has been floating around me– in a conference seminar I attended, in the Barton’s book about soul leadership, in scripture (Prov. 27:21–we are tested in the crucible of the words say about us) and in my own spirit.

A crucible is defined as:

1. A vessel made of a refractory substance such as graphite or porcelain, used for melting and calcining materials at high temperatures.

2. A severe test, as of patience or belief; a trial.

3. A place, time, or situation characterized by the confluence of powerful intellectual, social, economic, or political forces

Leadership and intensity go hand in hand. I am learning (which is super obvious on further reflection) that leadership is not about if you find yourself in a crucible, but is about the constant crucibles of heat, testing, social and political forces, and my own emotional and spiritual tensions. And as I look to the future, I am growing in awarness that as I grow in leadership, the stakes only go up, the crucibles only become more intense.

In its the crucibles of ministry and leadership that you change. Crucibles can become defining moments of transformation that we most likely on realize after time has given us the opportunity to see the experience as a whole. According to Bennis and Thomas in their book Leading for a Lifetime, what sets people a part is how they respond to the crucible. The ability to emerge from a time of crucible and to learn from it and to grow in wisdom and experience does not happen to everyone, or perhaps to many. The practice of a reflective life is to find meaning from the experience and to integrate that meaning into purpose and vision.

Bennis and Thomas call this our adaptive capcacity. Our ability to change.

Ruth Haley Barton speaks of going to the bottom of our souls–to the place beneath the surface where our demons lurk. Crucibles of ministry and leadership bring forth our demons more than perhaps anything else in our lives. Barton says that in order to become who we are created to be as leaders, we must give space and attention to our shadow sides. We must look our jealousy, our fear, our anxiety dead in the face. We even embrace the reality of ourselves, knowing that we–just as we are–are precious to God, in both our shadow and our light. As Merton talks about, it is only in loving the poverty of ourselves that we begin to understand the love of God for us in our humanity. When we know what lies beneath, we are able to release ourselves to a deeper place. We are able to change through the Holy Spirit. We have adaptive capacity.

Teaching others to learn the art of reflection is one of the great gifts of being a pastor and a leader. I have been thinking about how we teach this gift (even as I am learning it). Cultivating a reflective life is a challenging task in our world that lives without margin. More on that later…

Preaching on the path

2011-02-22T06:44:00.000-08:00

reposted from Jan. 6, 2011

Henri Nouwen challenges pastors to become deeply familiar with their own interior life–”it’s dark corners as well as the light spots, the closed doors as well as the drafty rooms,”–in order to be ministers who are able to help others navigate the inner world. We are able to step into the shoes of others as we recognize our own path.

This then leads into how we preach. Nouwen says:

“In this context, preaching means more than handing over a tradition; it is, rather, the careful and sensitive articulation of what is happening in the community so that those who listen can say: “You say what I only suspected, you clearly express what I vaguely felt, you bring to the fore what I fearfully kept in the back of my mind. Yes, yes–you say who we are, you recognize our condition.”

This to me is the call of real, authentic preaching. It is the connection of the story of Scripture, the directives of scripture with our own journey–at such a place of depth from own souls that others recognize the hidden in their own hearts.

When this place of vulnerability and connection is reached, the soil is ready to recieve the Word of God. This is relational preaching–that which is engages the human and Divine in all of us–calls us into God, releases us from the binds of ourselves. This is the walking-alongside, sherpa-style preaching that draws us into the presence of Christ.

My life, broken and blessed

2011-02-22T06:42:00.000-08:00

Reposted from Jan. 7, 2011

I sit at my desk to begin my work today. Pondering the bread of my life. Is it enough for others to eat?

A candle is burning, coffee brewing. The office is quiet. I am aware of the voices and pressures that tug at my consciousness. I find this work so wholly good, beautiful, lifegiving. I feel honored to sit in this chair, move forward into work that seems significant to me in my small sphere. People to care for, questions to think about, administration of programs, classes to prepare, and messages to write. This is holy work. It is more than I am capable of doing. I am a bit of a fraud, really. My insides are so small, and my thoughts aren’t deep enough or wise enough to be who all of these different people and facets expect me to be. All I have to offer is myself.

There is someone who could do this job better.

There is someone who would preach with more relevance and clarity.

There is someone who would pray with more fervor and intentionality.

There is someone who would administrate with more careful precision and follow through.

There is someone who is more mature and wise, someone who is more equipt. Someone who my students would like better, my staff would rather work for, and people would respect more.

But here I am. Small me, to do work that is God’s work. Deep and holy, and wide and shallow. Everday and ordinary, spectacular and holy.And all I have been given is my gifts, my energy, my background, my story, and my experience with God. That’s really what this is all about. Not what I have to bring or what others would do better. But that my God is big enough for this work and somehow, God seems to like to partner and use people who are not enough.

And that is enough for today and everyday day.

I believe in my heart somewhere past the voices that God can use me. I really believe that. I really believe that I am called and prepared and ready to take one what comes in my path today. And that there is no one else who do the work that I have been given in the manner that I can do it. I press into that truth and breathe it into my being.

My life has been bread broken to feed the multitudes inasmuch as I press into Jesus.

2.22.11

2011-02-22T06:30:00.000-08:00

grateful for
some real laughter this weekend at Madi's witty comments
waterslides
safe travel in the midst of a snowstorm
a presentation by Sarah Warnock on I. Tim 2:11-12 in class
a house to come home to
a real neighbor
the arrival of an old friend of my heart

What you love

2011-02-22T06:27:00.000-08:00

Those who love a pure heart and a gracious in speech will have the king for a friend.
Prov. 22: 11

Does this make the king your friend or your friend into a king?

What we love is what comes to us. If we love pure heartedness and graciousness, it comes to us. If we love our friends, we grow in friendship. If we love a pure heart, it is a pure heart that our heart becomes.

Apprenticed to a Truth-Seeking Community

2011-02-16T09:13:00.000-08:00

In doing some research for my dissertation I am studying quantum physics and its influence on theology and the church. I came across a quote today by John Polkinghorne (a scientist and christian) regarding the knowing of truth--Polkinghorne was referencing a philosopher, Polyani, and he summarized the comments saying:
"The method of science has to be learned through apprenticeship to the practice of a truth-seeking community, rather than by a manual of technique."
This caught my attention. Interchange "science" with "faith".

The method of faith has to be learned through apprenticeship of a truth-seeking community, rather than by a manual of technique.

Faith is a method to a large extent. It is feeling, yes, belief, yes...but it also the methodical practice of believing. And faith is best developed through apprenticeship to a truth-seeking community rather than a manual of what to believe.

Last week our campus had a wave of division sweep over it as many raised issue with teaching that was considered anti-biblical. There is much to be said and discussed about the theology and biblical interpretation and context of what was presented. That's for another post.

Instead, how do we learn faith? Isn't it in the midst of a Truth-seeking community? Don't scientists spend their lives questing for truth? We can learn from the scientific community that works out their understandings in community instead of referring to a scientific doctrinal statement.

I think that doctrine is good and important. Orthodoxy is necessary for orthopraxy. It matters what we believe and why because it effects how we live. But when things come upon us that stretch us and call our faith and belief into question, it isn't a doctrinal statement that I go looking for. Give me a truth-seeking community that wrestles together with what is true and what is not. And a truth-seeking community that is living out their statement of belief in flesh-and-blood real life terms. A community that is willing to wrestle, to listen, to push one another, and to come to the table together to dissent and question and probe. Doctrinal statements certainly help us identify heresy and orthodoxy, but it's best (or perhaps only) in the context of real people doing real spiritual work together.

It is easier work to say: "this is wrong, it's outside of the manual of faith" than it is to say, "in our relationship with Christ, scripture and each other, let's reason this out together". Relationship is always more difficult that propositions. I want to be apprenticed to a community of people that do the hard work.

2.15.11

2011-02-16T07:27:00.000-08:00

grateful:
for a group of friends willing to speak truth when it is hard to hear
words of affirmation of my maturity and depth in Jesus
the release of feeling bound up in side
creating a work nook upstairs in my house
theological conversation that makes me uncomfortable
a beautiful ring from my husband for valentines

Understanding

2011-02-16T07:25:00.000-08:00

How much better to get wisdom than gold!
To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.
Prov. 16: 16

The pursuit of wisdom and understanding is the lifelong work of a life centered in Christ.
Open up my eyes, Holy Spirit, expand my heart and soul in the wisdom that comes only from a relationship with You.

2.12.11

2011-02-12T23:34:00.000-08:00

grateful:
safe travel (twice into portland, and in the rain)
Tom Kha soup AGAIN. two days in a row. really outstanding and in a food court no less.
being encouraged by attending something that i was dreading
waking up early this morning and just sitting...and not doing
listening to madi go over her script in the car on the way to acting class
being remembered and thought of

2.11.11 grateful

2011-02-12T07:31:00.000-08:00

for a birthday dinner celebrating a friend...and our two daughters sharing thai at a table over.
Tom Kha soup with all its spicy-sweetness, the ultimate comfort food
long authentic conversation
for a friendship with a woman that is completely a holy coincidence
candles dancing
a cozy sleepover with my daughter
going to bed early on a friday evening

2.2.11 grateful

2011-02-02T22:46:00.000-08:00

today:
dinner with one of the superstars in the urban transformation movement of the kingdom of God--Viv Grigg
feeling cared about and prayed for by a friend/colleague
doing stretches on the floor with my daughter
listening to Madi passionately describe the injustices of her school cafeteria aids
Rusty preaching from inside the tent on stage
worship in my living room with our chapel team/answering the question of how i connect with the story of the prodigal

doubt/best way to live

2011-02-01T22:52:00.000-08:00

Most days I embrace faith. I practice faith for a living as a pastor. So I pray, preparing messages, study scripture, give pastoral care all in the name of the somewhat elusive Holy Spirit.
I love this work. It fills my soul and nourishes me and as I do it.
But every now and then, I wake up in the morning and think, "do I really believe this whole God thing?". Like enough to spend everyday, all day doing "God-work"...seeking to be an intentional God-bearer in the world? Really? Can I be sure? What if my sense of God is really just the air filling my lungs or my own voice in my head?
And then I think, well, even if experiencing God is just a social construct, even if I am buying into a massive myth--I am convinced that this is the best way to live.
That being a person who practices belief in God, living in the Spirit, and following the teachings of Jesus is the most authentic, life-giving, whole, beauty-seeking, freedom-chasing way to live. And then faith comes back, floods in, God's sovereignty covers my doubts and reminds me:
The voice of the Beloved, naming me Beloved, is too un-human for me to make up.

2.1 grateful

2011-02-01T22:42:00.000-08:00

grateful today for--
working on a non-profit board with super capable, dedicated people
a conversation of truth
embracing doubt as part of the spiritual journey
a life partner who co-parents fully
a love note from my daughter on my computer keyboard at work
new lighting for our kitchen--on its way

1.27.11 grateful

2011-01-27T21:55:00.000-08:00

today madi and i made dinner together. she loves to come up with menus and set the table with candles and pretty dishes. she made this fabulous punch from the late 1700s. with cream and citrus...so delish, but about a million grams of fat and calories.
she also made pumpkin pudding--which tasted old-fashioned with the molasses in it. not quite a winner.
i made beef stew. i am thankful for cooking on thursday evenings and eating dinner late by candlelight.

2011-01-26T23:13:00.000-08:00

backyard tenting that inspires

silence

2011-01-26T23:07:00.000-08:00

http://www.etsy.com/listing/53964852/silence-print?ref=em

i want to write a story about this girl

1.26.11 grateful

2011-01-26T23:00:00.000-08:00

today i am grateful for my daughter making me an omelett for lunch with chicken and apple sausage.
for a dinner with good people that i work with and some laughter and great chili
for having work in which i can come home multiple times a day to check in on my sick child
and a beautiful bed with flannel sheets, a candle and quiet at the end of a day.

Metamorphosis

2011-01-13T11:31:00.000-08:00

A large lady
in a black bathing suit
bends at the her non-waist,
tucks short hair
into a rubber cap,
straightens,
approaches the surf.
A timid June bug,
an ostrich past her prime.
She frowns.
First one foot, then the other,
she enters the ocean.
The waves take her.
Grown small
she begins to bob.
she pirouettes, sashays,
does the locomotion.
Round and lovely,
she is light as helium,
graceful as God.
Seagulls applaud.
--Nancy Thomas from The Secret Colors of God

The Idle Parent

2011-01-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

I just skimmed the book The Idle Parent, mostly because it was overdue and it was from the New Books table and I can't renew it. But partially because I got the concept of The Idle Parent in the first chapter or so, and partially because I am a terrible finisher of books that don't completely capture my interest. The whole idea of the Idle Parent is that if you would quit being so intense and be more laid back then your kids would be healthier and happier.

I like that idea, so I picked up the book. Relax? Sign me up.

The author's (Tom Hodgkinson)premise is that if parents would not be so intense on schooling and perfection, kids would learn to manage themselves and more you and take responsibility for themselves.

Tom highly recommends less spendy vacations, dinners out, expensive hobbies, and letting children be. "Don't interfere" is one of his mantras. Step back, and the child will step up. Tom encourages us to sleep in late (the kids will find the breakfast cereal, just throw them out of the bedroom if they come in), and to drink wine during bath time (you work hard, enjoy life a bit) and just generally let the children manage themselves more. Not totally, just more. Ironically, I think that it takes more work to let children be (in the way Tom intends--allowing their natural creative and independence to come forth), then to regulate and control.

The book is certainly winsome and inspiring. You work hard, he says, you can relax a little.

It reminds me of this lovely article that I read years ago about mothering in France compared to mothering in America. The French women's focus was on their lives, the children revolved around their mother. In contrast in that article, in America the women revolved around the children.

There is incredible pressure to make your life all about your children. I decided a long while ago that I wanted parenting to be primarily a relationship and not my career. I have worked full-time, but I don't see this as a decision about working or not working. Instead, it is about perspective. Do I evaluate myself based on my child? It's not so much how much time I spend doing the tasks of care-giving, but instead, how do I identify myself?

I think that we put incredible pressure on mothers to find their identity in the care of their children and to find themselves in their relationships to others. All that is good, until you try to measure your achievement or success based on someone else's performance or start to see yourself as orbiting your child.

I am all for taking a step back--I think I do too much for my child. There is space for her to become, if I give her the room to take it.

On the first day of Christmas our coffeemaker failed...

2011-01-02T16:50:00.000-08:00

Our appliance diaster list (since Christmas):

1. Returned one Blu-Ray (Clint and I both got each other Blu-Rays for Christmas b/c our dvd player had died).

2. Promptly lost said Blu-Ray's remote on trip to the beach. Had to make trip to store to buy universal remote and then figure out how to program remote with complicated remote-code sheet ("easy and quick" it lied on overly-packaged plastic container).

3. Have purchased and returned two coffeemakers (both epic-failures) and been on two incomplete trips for next coffeemaker. (current coffeemaker died). No christmas coffee in own home during our break. Except excruciatingly strong stovetop method. Left receipt at home for one coffeemaker resulted in a loss of $6 in original purchase price.

4. Landline phone died. Purchased new phone. Lengthy install. Didn't work. Called phone company. Turned out that it was actually the line and not the phone. Returned new phone, but couldn't return it because brought wrong credit card and didn't have correct receipt. Need to make return trip. Had to have phone company come out and fix line.

5. Returned one neck-massager (overpriced, unneeded) to store, only to find out store had closed between Christmas Eve and Dec. 28th. Had to locate another of same store which resulted in lengthy travel and internet research.

6. Gift of remote controlled helicopter (very fun, amazing toy) lasted 25 minutes before it broke a tiny swatch of plastic that somehow controls the entire propellar spin deal.

Merry Christmas to us...

stop the tears

2010-12-08T23:23:00.000-08:00

Me: Madi, that woman has my same coat. No...wait...it's just kinda like mine. It's not as cool as mine. Right, Madi?
Madi: Whatever you need to say to stop the tears, Mom.

The Hunger Games

2010-12-08T23:22:00.000-08:00

I loved this series. The first book--The Hunger Games--I consumed in less than 24 hours. I almost literally couldn't put it down. The next two I read over the course of a week. Set in the future in a place formerly known as North America, a teenage girl must fight to the death on reality tv for the entertainment of the wealthy and powerful--and also to ensure their power and domination over the poor, starving districts. The series goes on to follow the rebellion of the districts and deals with some significant questions of power, war, and violence. These books aren't for the squeamish or the goraphobe, but it does promote themes of humanity, idenitity, and a commentary on our culture. It's an excellent read full of suspense.

The List of All Things Fall (for my october/november life)

2010-10-08T15:29:00.000-07:00

oregon rainy fall delight

The cool in the air and the damp earth smell makes me happy. I am a list maker to no-end. I make lists about the lists that I want to make. So here is my list for all things autumn-y:

Pumpkin pie latte (done 5x and counting)
one Harvest/christianized Halloween party for the 10.5 year old bunch: costumes, creepy spiderweb decorations, treats in the shapes of eyeballs and rotten apple bunch
one Halloween costume shopped for and determined for daughter
one Halloween costume for self (still undecided on the pirate-maid vs cleopatra debate)
one adult fall-ish event
pumpkin carving event
walk through the leaves
press leaves in books to be opened in surprise at some point
family photo shoot for christmas photo. Yes. Must happen.
pumpkin farm visit--with corn maze. (done).
decorate the house for fall (in process)
apples and applecider at orchard
hike to see waterfall(s)
celebrate clint's 39th birthday. woohooo! oct. 16th
evening with the skull and bones society (i would tell you, but then i would have to kill you)
write one poem about fall. hmmmmm..... that would entail reflecting upon copious amounts of mary oliver for inspiration

lovely fall.
that may be the first line of my poem.

abandoned building spark

2010-09-12T13:53:00.000-07:00

just found this picture of an abandoned building...this really captures my imagination. what a great background for a photo shoot or a movie or a story....or the remnants of a life.

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

2010-07-30T07:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was explaining to Madi why people who may have a lot of things may not really have a lot of money. I explained about credit card debt and how just because someone has a boat, a huge tv, and a really nice car doesn't mean that they are rich. And how people put all their money into their house or into their car and then don't have enough money to live because they are in debt.
Madi said, "But that's stupid."
Makes me think of that tv show--"are you smarter than a 5th grader?"

Finally, a little voodoo. Disney and Theology

2010-07-18T12:25:00.000-07:00

Madi and I watched The Princess and the Frog last night. We have been reluctant to see it--hearing lots about how black magic/voodoo/occultism is utilized throughout the film. But it was one of the only semi-interesting choices at Redbox, so I authorized it's viewing.
And truly, it does have voodoo, demonic images, obvious satanic overtones, and use of the occult in it. So, it seemed way too much to me for young children and even it's G rating. BUT...as an adult with an almost middle school aged child (eeeek) I found it refreshing. Yes, refreshing.
I tend to poo-poo the whole demon around every corner version of theology. While some of my very dear friends (who I respect, admire and learn from), pray demons out of the new houses they buy, and chalk bad happenings up to the Enemy (which I do too occasionally, just perhaps not as much), and dispose of objects that may have evil significance, I proclaim that as a child of God, the Evil One has no power over me. So although at times, I have sensed that evil power may be at work in a situation or using the circumstances to make us falter and not believe, overall I tend to fall on the side that I don't need to live in fear of such and with Christ we have victory over the powers of Satan. I do believe that Evil is rampant in the world, but usually in the form of a fallen creation and through people who choose death in their hearts instead of life...(okay, as I type this I am having all kinds of nuances come into my mind and realize that this is really too complex to put down as a "this is what I believe statement" because the power of demons are evident in the world, but I don't live in fear of them through the power of Christ...).

SO.....all that to say, I found The Princess and the Frog refreshing because it called evil what it is: from the Other Side, from the Shadows, from the powers of darkness that will gobble our lives away and take our identities if we choose to make deals with Satan (as small and slip-slidey as they may be). And what wins over Evil? LOVE. Yes, love is pretty watered down in a Disney princess movie, but if you really believe that Love triumphs over Evil, you can find this message front and center in this film. LOVE is by far the strongest force in this world. It stops evil in its tracks. Loves keeps us from the Other Side, keeps us from being consumed by the Shadows.
We have to wrestle out our theology of demons and angels, and of Satan and the occult and how it's power manifests in the world. But one thing I am sure of: Love will conquer all and Evil will suck our identity and being and drag us to the pit.
All this in a Disney princess film.

Communicable diseases

2010-06-30T08:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Madi and I were in the hot tub at the hotel. Madi was reading the sign and it read: "Persons with communicable diseases may not use the hot tub."
Madi: "Does that mean that if you can't talk well you can't get in the hot tub?"

"Muchness"

2010-06-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

I loved this film so much that I bought it. Well, Madi did beg for it and then I decided if I rented it at Blockbuster that I might as well buy it. Because if I rented it twice that's like $5.95 a time and for that price it's like buying it. Or maybe we should do netflix.

It's so uncommon that there are adventure movies with girls as the heroine. And so, finally, a movie with a strong female lead character who becomes the champion not to win a man's heart, but because of her very own sense of character and goodness.

I often say that the hardest thing in the world is to become who you are created to be. In this film the Mad Hatter says to Alice that she has lost her "muchness" , that she used to be more "muchier." The Hatter is meaning that Alice is not as much Alice as she used to be. As the film goes Alice becomes more and more of Alice. She gets her "muchness" back and she recognizes who she really is. In one great moment the White Queen tells Alice that she must choose whether or not to be the champion if she thinks it is right--not to please anyone--for when she faces the monster she will be alone. Girls are faced with so much pressure of who to be and what to like, who to please and who not to. Learning to listen to the voice that is their Muchness gets lost. I love a film that celebrates girls as champions! Here's to muchiness! It makes me want to be Much Sarah, the Muchiest Sarah possible. (And Johnny Depp was fantastic as always).

2010-06-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

Clint was gone for Memorial Day and so I decided that Madi and I need to memorialize our Memorial Day. We packed our bags went for a fun overnight to The Grand Lodge in Forest Grove. And it was even a school night! We checked into our room--a simple room with bunk beds and a bath down the hall (but a sink in our room) and took a tour of the facilities. We found the Japanese-style heated soaking pool (salt water) and took a dip. We sprawled out on our bunks and read and read and read and then took in a moive in the hotel's theater. By then it was getting kind of late (school night) and so we went to one of the hotel's restaurants downstairs and split a brownie sundae and then went to bed. We had such a great time together. Got up early the next morning, had our continental breakfast and then got Madi to school at 8:27 a.m. just in the nick of time. We had great mama and Madi bonding time and we both fully enjoyed our time. It was certainly a Memory Day on Memorial Day.

The Latest from Before

2010-06-06T21:47:00.001-07:00

Madi: Mom! Wait! I have to go first.

Sarah: And herein lies our whole relationship.

I have switched to a new format for The Latest...so here is the now the old Latest:

Clint: When we are done with the book that we are reading, I want to start a new one with you, Madi.

Madi: I better call my lawyer on that.

Madi: Mom, is Stevie Wonder a real person?
Me: Yes.
Madi: Was he a rock star?
Me: Yes...he did a lot of jazz kinda stuff..so not like a rocker rock star.
Madi: Oh, like Hannah Montana?

Me (after fretting all day about how to break the news): Madi, Honey [our guinea pig] died this morning? I am so sorry to tell you this.
Madi [with no pause]: Can I get a cat?

Madi: "Mom, are you bringing your coffee while you drive? That's always a disaster."

Yesterday I asked Clint to "plump up the tires" on our bikes. He said he would absolutely not being doing anything so unmasculine as plumping up tires. Pumping he would consider.

Last week I started a fire in our trunk. Really. I was packing the trunk (very well mind you) and stuff in our pillows and towels in the back. Then when I went to close the trunk, it wouldn't latch. I left it for an hour or so to have Clint figure it out when the final packing was completed. When we went to get into the car an hour or so later, there was a terrible burning smell. Apparently, the light in the trunk had remained on (since I hadn't latched it) and the pillow was up against the bulb and had caught fire. There was a black hole in the pillow with smoldering feathers. Clint discovered said emergency minus 911 and car plus family was saved.

Meaning of Retarded

2010-06-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

Overheard on the schoolbus on the way to our field trip at Yaquina Head:

"The word retarded so does mean slow."
"No it doesn't."
"Yes, it does and we have parents to prove it."

This made me laugh internally for the rest of the way on the trip. What the 4th grader meant was that she had asked her parent what the word retarded meant.

2010-05-17T20:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a great day for a lemonade and brownie stand. I have to admit, I am so not a fan of the supposed DIY lemonade stand. It always involves WAY too much parental participation. However, Madi and friends (neighbors Grace & Cole and Abby from school) really got into it and pulled it off (although I did make 2 trips to the store, washed multiple pans, oversaw the brownie making and sliced all the lemons). I was super impressed with the way that they flagged those cars down. Madi and Abby both made over $10 each. Not too bad for a couple of hours. I really appreciate all of those who stopped for some brownies (which tasted fabulously, but were mushy and very homemade-gooey looking) and lemonade. One lady bought 6 brownies! You Newberg residents are great! And note to self: always stop at the lemonade stands.

Real religion

2010-04-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

Today, from my perch in the [megachurch] choir loft, my mind wandered back to the little brown house with the stone steps. I think I'd appreciate the minimalist Quaker worship service more now that I did as a kid. It didn't have Jumbotron screens or a five thousand-watt sound system or a cafe in the lobby, and it wasn't run by a world-famous televangelist with millions of followers. But at least it felt real.

--Kevin Roose in "The Unlikely Disciple"

The Unlikely Disciple

2010-04-07T21:57:00.000-07:00

I am only a third of the way into this book and it's super fascinating. It's about a mostly secular/liberal journalist who went "undercover" to Liberty University and his experience with conservative Christian subculture/christian college subculture. I think that I am going to have to do a book discussion group this summer on this one. Talk about a cultural study of the conservative christian college subculture.

Before we color the easter eggs...

2010-04-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

At The Melting Pot

2010-03-24T23:56:00.000-07:00

We celebrated Madi's birthday (again) by a family trip to The Melting Pot. It was my first time ever at a restaurant of fondue and we dined delightfully. Madi's comments were that a) you should only go to The Melting Pot when you are very hungry and b) think about not eating lunch. Thanks be to God for a decade of life shared with Madeline Ilise Thomas Baldwin. Looking forward to many more decades!

We also made a quick stop at Powell's so Madi could spend her birthday gift card from Grandpa B. She decide on The Invention of Hugo Cabaret (which she has already read, but liked so much she wanted to own it). Looking forward to reading this one myself...(or looking at the pics, it's a graphic novel).

Birthday Cake for Madi

2010-03-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

Concrete-sky and stew

2009-11-15T14:08:00.000-08:00

Madi and I took Truff to the Trappist Abbey today for a very wet hike. The leaves were glistening under our feet in the brilliant colors of fall--russet and golden yellow and amber and coffee--and the gray sky made the perfect contrast for the few remaining trees with leaves. One tall tree was a dramatic goldernrod against the concrete-gray sky and it was beautiful. Truff was in dog-paradise going after every scent and checking out the pond and a the waterfall and rooting around in the wet leaves. We walked around the pond a few times, adventured up one path, discovered some communal walking sticks (one of which Madi selected and then was hard pressed to leave it behind) and found a few future paths we will have to take. We stopped at By the Way cafe on the way home in Lafayette. I have been looking for a place like this around here! I think that is only open for breakfast and lunch and is a true diner. I had a bowl of stew and a piece of texas toast and a midwest iceberg lettuce salad. It needed some serious salt, but I am not ruling this place out, I just need to try something else. And sometimes iceberg lettuce with honeymustard, buttered toast, and stew with some added salt is just what you need. Madi had the kid's one cake + bacon/sausage + one egg deal which turned out to be a real score for $3.50. Her pancake was bigger than her plate, the scrambled egg must have been three eggs, and she loved the sausage, although I got the bacon because it was too crispy. As we were leaving, I saw a man get the double hamburger which was seriously 9 inches tall. I want to take Clint there to try out the burger because he does like a good burger.

Madi worried about Truff the whole time because he was alone in the car and very despairing. She smuggled him back a piece of meat from my stew and a chunk of pancake, so I don't think he truly suffered.

Those are our sunday afternoon adventures. Now Madi has been assigned her room to make presentable, but I think that she is styling the American Girl's hair. I am contemplating what I should do this afternoon. Clint's taking a nap so the laundry I need to put away is off limits, happily. I am delighted in "At Home in Mitford" and perhaps that is a perfect read for today. It gives me a fresh perspective about life and challenging people and gives me more grace in my eyes.

2009-08-30T09:32:00.000-07:00

Mom with her choice rose from the Portland Rose Gardens. Miss you, Mom!

OWL

2009-08-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

Madi was in a drama camp this past week and she was Owl in a compilation of Winnie the Pooh shorts. The drama took place outside in a version of the Hundred Acre Wood.

District 9

2009-08-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

Last night Clint and I went to see District 9 and I can't get it out of my mind. I have never seen any film like it. It completely took me surprise. I assumed that I was going in for a sci-fi thriller movie (which it is), but it is also this super-creative, thoughtful, realistic commentary on our world. I thought it was incredibly gruesome and bloody, way too much for me. And yet it was an excellent film in the most surprising way. The transformation of the main character (internal and external) was marvelous (although his internal transformation was really just a shred of humanitarian dignity, but it was there). But really amazed me was the way that they moved us emotionally to care about these very slimy aliens who in every way seemed at first more animal than rational. This is a brilliant film. The most creative, intelligent, fascinating blood and guts film ever.

Serendipity

2009-08-15T23:12:00.001-07:00

So I got it all ready...the perfect picnic, the fam-friendly games, the blankets, the bug spray, the citronella candle, the crystal-light, the daughter, the husband--and into the car setting off to McMinnville to catch a little "As You Like It". I have fond memories of Shakespeare in the park in our Lexington KY days marking the end of summer. And we had been planning on this little outdoor theatre for awhile. We sped down the road to the 20 minute away destination and I realized one fatal flaw: no mapquest directions. I assumed I knew where The Ed Grenfell Park was in McMinnville, but now I was having my doubts. We quickly found what I thought was the right park, only to find that it wasn't and ONE HOUR later (and literally 7 relatively unhelpful people later) we finally found the park. By that time we were all stressy and hungry and the play had started. We opted for another park, picnic on our own, the scenic route through one of those fabulous wooden play structures and then a trip to the Serendipity ice cream shoppe. Definitely a place that needs to be spelled "shoppe" and not "shop" as Madi pointed out.

This is a fantastic ice cream shop, complete with player piano. Clint had a coffee ice cream malt, Madi had super-sour ice cream (green apple/watermelon mix) with sprinkles in a waffle cone dish, and I had a perfect dark chocolate fudge sauce sundae with whipped cream and a cherry. The evening was restored. We had a great time laughing on the way home. Everything that Madi said cracked her own self up. She was her own personal jester. A very happy fam night which could have been a small disaster (and was for the hour that we zoomed around McMinnville). And I ate a spider on purpose at the picnic...but that's another story.

Mindful of the Perfect Banana Chocolate Chip Muffin

2009-06-06T09:11:00.001-07:00

I am reading mindful eating and so here I go:

I am eating a perfect banana-chocolate chip muffin. It's golden, smallish in size, but not so small to be considered mini. It's a normal homemade muffin on the small size. None of that cafe-style muffin that you might get in the bakery that catches your eye through the glass with its grandiosity and sugary-crumble top. Those kind of muffins are seductive and wooing, but with promise of indulgence and gluttony guilt to come. And then after you eat the extra-large giant bakery muffin, you have that overly-starched "I shouldn't have eaten that" feeling with the faint taste of preservative in your mouth and a slight sugarhaze that paired with strong coffee either jump starts your morning or leaves you craving bacon or another unsightly protein.
No, this muffin is homemade, home muffin tin size, perfectly golden, a bit crumbly, and unsymmetrical. It's perfect in that it is not perfect, it's irregular, which any more means that it is perfect. We have so much perfect in our lives: perfect houses, perfect teeth, perfect fake plants, perfect highlighted hair, that anymore to have something that is Real it has to be delightfully irregular. So this muffin is irregular and unsymmetrical. It has two or three half-melted chocolate chips on top and perhaps the chance of more hidden within. The smell is satisfying, and almost you could smell this muffin and be satiated, but not quite.
It tastes of sweet banana, bittersweet chocolate, warm, gooey muffin consistency and no strange aftertaste. It fills my stomach with warmth on the inside. And with my french roast coffee (with extra fat-free cream) my stomach feels so content. Did I say that this is the second muffin?
I have finished now. All that is left is a few crumbs on my white plate and a smear of chocolate.
The book says to pay attention to what my body is telling me about what I ate so that I will know if I am satisfied or in need of more. Mind? Heart? Belly? Tastebuds? Hands?
My mind tells me that the combination of coffee and banana-chocolate chip muffin is a winner. I could eat this everyday. I know that the muffin is fat-free (with the exception of the few chocolate chips I added in) and that it was small-ish so it was a healthy portion. My mind is thinking of what is ahead in this day and all that needs to be accomplished, but how much I am enjoying typing and journalling today and that this is perhaps the best work that I can do. But then there is the weed-pulling in the garden.
My heart is telling me that I need lots of time to write and reflect in life with the aid of perfect muffins to be truly happy.
My body is telling me...I have a slight sore throat, and perhaps the beginnings of a cold. There is some tiredness behind my eyes. My muscles in my shoulders and neck are a little tight. My body is kind of tired in general, like before you get sick.
My belly is full, pleasantly,happily.
My mouth would like another muffin. It really enjoys the tastes of coffee and muffin and would like to eat two more. My mind argues with my mouth. My belly is not needing it. My body would like some more because it feels as though it needs mores sustenance to ward off the cold and energize me into all that has to be accomplished today.
So apparently what do I really need right now?
More muffin? more coffee? more sleep? more writing?
In a perfect world I wouldn't have to accommodate my desire for sleep, writing, resting, playing around my need to pull weeds, fill the dishwasher, put away clothes, clean the fish aquarium, vacuum out the car, and convince my daughter to clean her room (which requires more work than for me to do it). In a perfect world everything would be perfect. But is it the irregularities that make this world perfect? Is the pull and press of all of the things in life that create the irregularities and cracks that make it Real and therefore most delicious? I don't know about all that.
I think I will just go get another muffin.

Unstoppable

2008-06-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

Here is this 1989 inteview between Mother Teresa and Time Magazine. Mother Teresa's theology of ministry and leadership is captured well. Mother Teresa refused to become a celebrity.

Q. What did you do this morning?
A. Pray.

Q. When did you start?
A. Half past four.

Q. And after prayer?
A. We try to pray through our work by doing it with Jesus, for Jesus, to Jesus. That helps us put our whole heart and soul into doing it. The dying, the crippled, the mentally ill, the unwanted, the unloved -- they are Jesus in disguise.

Q. People know you as a sort of religious social worker. Do they understand the spiritual basis of your work?
A. I don't know. But I give them a chance to come and touch the poor. Everybody has to experience that. So many young people give up everything to do just that. This is something so completely unbelievable in the world, no? And yet it is wonderful. Our volunteers go back different people.

Q. Does the fact that you are a woman make your message more understandable?

A. I never think like that.

Q. But don't you think the world responds better to a mother?
A. People are responding not because of me but because of what we are doing. I think that before people were speaking much about the poor, but now more and more people are speaking to the poor. That is the great difference. Before, nobody bothered about the people in the street. We have picked up from the streets of Calcutta 54,000 people, and 23,000-something have died in that one room (at Kalighat).

Q. Humble as you are, it must be an extraordinary thing to be a vehicle of God's grace in the world.
A. But it is his work. I think God wants to show his greatness by using nothingness.

Q. You feel you have no special qualities?
A. I don't think so. I don't claim anything of the work. It is his work. I am like a little pencil in his hand. That is all. He does the thinking. He does the writing. The pencil has nothing to do with it. The pencil has only to be ) allowed to be used. In human terms, the success of our work should not have happened, no?

Q. What is God's greatest gift to you?
A. The poor people.

Q. How are they a gift to you?
A. I have an opportunity to be 24 hours a day with Jesus.

Q. Here in Calcutta, have you created a real change?
A. I think so. People are aware of the presence, and also many, many, many Hindu people share with us. Now we never see a person lying there in the street dying. It has created a worldwide awareness of the poor.

Q. Beyond showing the poor to the world, have you conveyed any message about how to work with the poor?
A. You must make them feel loved and wanted. They are Jesus for me. I believe in that much more than doing big things for them.

Q. Friends of yours say you are disappointed that your work has not brought more conversions in this great Hindu nation.
A. Missionaries don't think of that. They only want to proclaim the word of God. Numbers have nothing to do with it. But the people are putting prayer into action by coming and serving the people. Everywhere people are helping. There may not be a big conversion like that, but we do not know what is happening in the soul.

Q. People who work with you say you are unstoppable. You always get what you want.
A. That's right. All for Jesus.

Q. What are your plans for the future?
A. I just take one day. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not come. We have only today to love Jesus.

Q. And the future of the order?
A. It is his concern.

-- Edward D. Desmond, "A Pencil in the Hand of God"(1989 accessed August 27 2007); available from http://www.time.com/time/reports/motherteresa/t891204.html.

The Year of the Turtle

2008-06-23T10:20:00.000-07:00

I turned thirty-six this past Saturday. 36. It's a good solid number. An even number, a square number, an adult number. Not glowing with youth, but youth is still present. Not glistening or shining with youth, but still burning. Perhaps now youth begins to burn more in your soul then in your body and age becomes more a product of health and creativity, then it does of body-years.
When I thought about being an adult as a child (and I never really thought about anything above 25 with much consideration), I think that I was imagining 36. It seems steady and sure (even if it's not) because people who are 36 should have a clue about their lives. I think that it must be one of the laws of the universe. At age 36 you should have a clue.
Every birthday I choose a theme of the year. It started out as a rhyming game.
27 closer to heaven.
28 ain't it great.
28 i'm feeling fine.
30...what was 30?
31 it's lots of fun.
32 gotta get thru.
33 i'm really free.
34 walk thru the door.
then..35...Awake. The rhyming stopped.
I was very awake at 35. It was good to be awake, I took a lot in. Being awake that long is also exhausting. I ended my 35th year tired. It was a productive and fruitful year, but it was laborious. And exhausting when I look back on it. Of course, there are some good things to show for it.
In my 35th year: I was in 6 countries (with my 7 year old daughter and husband and one of those countries with 14 students), finished my coursework in my doctoral program, preached numerous times, had scores of students into my home, got settled in our new house, travelled to two other states to speak, spent 3 weeks in Kentucky over Christmas and read....maybe 6000 pages...hosted a sleepover with 8 elementary girls, started a prayer group, cried 17 times, continued a community group, did 300 loads of laundry, weeded and reweeded and re-re-weeded a garden and spent at least 400 hours of time with my sweet husband. See? Awake, but tired.
Clint and I were reflecting on the past year and about the year ahead and what the theme of these 365 days should be. The story of the tortoise and the hare as had great significance in my life. I tend to be a hare, but am developing my inner tortoise. I like to do things fast and I like to win, so I have wanted to somehow integrate the tortoise and hare experience. Can you both be speedy and steady? The story would tell you that you can't. But in real life it seems like the goal is speed and pace together. Speed isn't the enemy of winning, lack of pacing yourself is.
This year I do need to finish the race. It's a year of completing my doctoral program and being steady in my ministry and work. It's also the year of learning more about pace-keeping and grace. I recognize that I can't speed through ministry and life and writing. Steady and sure brings completion. Speed may be the enemy of intimacy and depth of life, but slowness often lacks catalystic momentum.
So...as I am praying and listening, it seems that this The Year of the Turtle. Time to embrace my inner tortoise. The win is in the daily progress of grace and pace and steadiness. I do need the turtle to be drinking coffee, however, because I can't afford to be slow.

the sparrow

2008-06-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading The Sparrow by Maria Doria Russell. So essentially--and you know this from page one, so there is no spoiler--life is discovered on another planet and the Jesuits send out an evangelistic mission to this planet. Only one priest survives. The story is told in timeframes, past and present. The survivor priest tells his story of the fatal mission via "Jesuit hearings" in present tense which is alternated by the story unfolding in past tense. It's kind of a sci-fi/fantasy meets theology/does God exist/problem of evil discussion meets the complexity of human relationships and individual identity.

The surviving priest battles with his faith in a God that permits terrible atrocities to happen not only to himself, but to his beloved friends and to the innocents of the newly discovered world. Now this is somewhat of a spoiler, so you may want to stop reading: the priest and his other priest-superiors and priet-peers come to some sort of resolution at the end as they ponder scriptural sparrow. God sees each and every sparrow that falls...yet, they still fall.
In my own understanding of faith I found myself changing how I pray in recent years. I still pray "God keep ______ from happening" or "God please make ________ happen", but I pray that less. Instead I pray more, "God help me to know your presence in this situation", "thank you that no matter what happens I will not be alone. You will never abandon me."

A few years ago I was struggling with something deeply in my soul and I was begging God to make everything come out okay. In one of those times when I am a good enough listener to hear God speak (which isn't as often as I would like, of course), I heard deep down in me, "No, I won't promise you that."
Why not? I argued. "My promise is that I will always be with you. And that is the better promise."
The better promise whatever. But as I have come to terms with that, I realize that I do have an inkling of belief that this is true. Somehow the better promise is not that I won't fall, or that the sparrow won't fall, or that atrocities won't happen, but that God will be there. God will not abandon me. God is present. Does this bring hope and comfort? Yes, it does, oddly. And I am not completely sure why. It would certainly bring more comfort to say that God keeps bad things from happening in my life and that God holds buildings up when earthquakes obliterate children and tsunamis wash away a generation. Is God is present enough? It is enough because it has to be?

I think that the line between faith and desperation is very thin, if present at all. We believe because we have faith, but we often believe because that's all we've got. Somehow I am convinced that it does incredibly matter that God sees the sparrow fall. And that God is present in my life no matter what happens and will not abandon me. But just between me and you, I wish that God would intervene a bit more obviously.